May 9, 2015
My big brother went away today,
and the world became
heavier… darker… scarier.
and the world became
heavier… darker… scarier.
I thought I had long ago
outgrown needing a big brother
to make me feel safe…
to make me feel safe…
but I was wrong.
I wish I had known
his pain… his despair… his
hopelessness.
I wish I had listened to the
inner voice saying,
"Find him.
Even if he has been hiding
for years, find him.
He needs you."
But in truth,
would it have made any
difference?
Now my big brother is gone...
but he is changed and healed.
Now he is whole and renewed
and pain-free,
Now his mind is clear and at
peace.
I am not healed.
My mind is not clear or at
peace.
I want to know why,
so many years ago,
my mother chose to die,
and today,
my brother chose to die.
Is this a family tradition ~
this overwhelm with living
that leads to dying?
Is it a ritual that I am
expected to pass along?
I refuse.
IT ENDS WITH ME.
No matter what it takes
IT ENDS WITH ME.
No matter how hard,
how deeply enticing,
how monumentally unfair,
how exhausting and mind
annihilating
IT ENDS WITH ME.
This is my vow.
I will not pass this legacy
on to those I love the most.
IT ENDS WITH ME.
If there are such things as
gods,
or angels,
or enlightened spirits,
and if you are listening,
please do not let me forget
this vow.
No matter what… do not let me ever
forget.
Rick,
I don't understand your choice to leave, but I do know that you did exactly what you thought you had to do at the time. I will get over my hurt and anger... and will always love you, no matter what. Thank you for teaching me to not throw a baseball like a girl, for showing me how to shoot jump shots and free throws from the top of the key - for educating me in the proper way to shoot an 8 ball into the corner pocket without scratching - and for forcing me to listen to the Beatles until I finally fell in love with them. Enjoy the next leg of your journey Big Brother - and make it the greatest adventure yet! 
