I am mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend
I am frightened and suspicious of love - I love far too deeply for safety
I am a survivor of soul-bursting sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse
I have suffered great pain at the hands of those who said they loved me.
I am actress, comedian, singer, performer
I am rarely comfortable in my skin unless there is an
audience - and a costume.
I am a little tall and not at all thin
I am a former athlete now trapped in a body that betrays me.
I am bright, expressive, witty, creative
I am a star-shaped peg in a life of round and square and triangular holes
I examine things too much, feel too deeply, cry too easily
I am often overwhelmed with emotions I cannot contain or control
I have sometimes been far too trusting, so now I rarely trust.
I long to have faith, but skepticism screams more loudly
I keep my drawbridge up most of the time
I am more faithful than a Collie when I do let someone in.
I am outraged by spiritual “Pollyanna-ism”
I do not believe that everything can be fixed with happy thoughts and affirmations.
I sometimes knowingly choose to keep both eyes squeezed shut
I fight not to stare at all the broken things I cannot repair.
And yet…
I am still breathing in and out – in that order.
I am still believing there might be a “do-over” or a “do-differently.”
I am not a quitter. I am not lazy. I am not through with this run.
I keep my head enough above the water to breath in and out – in that order..
I am still capable of great love and great creativity.
I still dream of a different life - or of finding acceptance of this one.
I am exhausted down to my bone marrow
and yet…
I am still here.
