I Am Still Here

 

 

I am Lori.

 

I am mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend

I am frightened and suspicious of love  - I love far too deeply for safety

 

I am a survivor of soul-bursting sexual, emotional and religious abuse

I have suffered great pain at the hands of those who said they loved me.

I am actress, comedian, singer, performer

I am rarely comfortable in my skin unless there is an audience, a role, and a costume.

 

I am a little tall and not at all thin

I am a former athlete now trapped in a pain-racked body that sometimes can barely move.

 

I am bright, expressive, witty, creative

I am a star-shaped peg in a life of round and square and triangular holes

 

I examine things too much, feel too deeply, cry too easily

I am often overwhelmed with emotions I cannot contain or control

 

I have sometimes been far too trusting, so now I rarely trust.

I long to have faith, but skepticism screams more loudly

 

I keep my drawbridge up most of the time

I am more faithful than a Collie when I do let someone in.

 

I am outraged by spiritual “Pollyanna-ism” 

I do not believe that everything can be fixed with happy thoughts and affirmations.

 

I sometimes knowingly choose to keep both eyes squeezed shut

I fight not to stare at all the broken things I cannot repair.

 

And yet…

 

I am still breathing in and out – in that order.

I am still believing there might be a "do-differently.”

I am not a quitter.  I am not lazy.  I am not through with this run.

I keep my head enough above the water to breathe in and out – in that order..

 

I am still capable of great love and great creativity.

I still dream of an "adjusted" life  - or of finding acceptance of this one.

 

I am exhausted down to my bone marrow

and yet…

I am still here.