Going Nowhere at the Speed of Light (Written 7-06)

It seems like I have always suffered some degree of insanity. Suicide attempts, drinking, drugs, and promiscuity were the bizarre palate from which I painted the canvas of my earlier life. An extraordinary amount of pain and abuse in my childhood and young adult years manifested itself in an oppressive cloud of fear that, as I grew older, encompassed my being and left me closed off from much of the world around me. Safety came in such tiny increments and was so precious to me that I would horde up anything that gave me the slightest feeling of refuge and wrap it around me like a cocoon.    Caterpillars use the security of their cocoon to protect them as they metamorphose into beautiful butterflies. Their time in the cocoon is purposeful and time-limited, and the end product is glorious. But my cocoon was quite different. What started out as a place of safety from the assaults of life ultimately became a hideout - a thickly layered binding that protected me from everything outside, including accomplishment and joy. Eventually it became my prison as well. I was indeed protected from most outside assaults, but my incarceration did nothing for the inner attacks that I constantly inflicted on myself. My cellmates of poor self-esteem and constant self-criticism gave living an almost nightmarish quality. My freedom was gone, my life was at a standstill, and I was going nowhere at the speed of light.    In some ways I have been lucky. Over recent years wonderful people have been led into my life who truly care about what happens to me. These people have led me to therapy, awareness, education, and knowledge that have made a huge difference in my life. Today I function in the world. I take care of my body, mind and spirit in a way I never have before. I guess you could say I am as sane as I've ever been, and I've regained a good deal of my freedom. But I realize that I still run back to my cocoon at times… and maybe that's okay. Maybe we all need a safe place to run when things get rough. The thing I have to diligently watch for is that I don't get too comfortable back in that familiar space. Grace Slick said, "No matter how big or soft or warm your bed is, you still have to get out of it." That cocoon is my big soft, warm place to visit when life becomes overwhelming. Everyone should have somewhere like that; a place of safety and respite where we can regenerate before we move on. But the point is that "you still have to get out of it." You have to get your rest and then get going again. My cocoon is too well cushioned with nice safe reasons for not moving forward or taking risks ... all my wonderful excuses for playing it safe. A prolonged visit can lull me into complacency about continuing my healing journey. That may be what I want at times, but it's certainly not what I need.    I read a brilliant quote from someone named Tony Campollo that really made an impression. The quote said this: "Most of us are tiptoeing through life so we can reach death safely. We should be praying, 'If I should wake before I die.' Life can get away from you. Don't be satisfied with just pumping blood." What a potent concept! No matter what you believe about life after death, this life is our current assignment, and simply being a hemoglobin pump is not what that assignment is about. Feeling safe and secure all the time is not what it's about either. Personally, I'm tired of tiptoeing through life, looking for spooks in every dark corner. I still have a way to go before I can eradicate the ghosts of my past and the dysfunctional behaviors that used to be necessary survival skills. But depression and despair have already robbed me of too many years, and I don't intend to let these thieves continue their larceny.    Life can be an exciting and challenging adventure...or simply the ultimate terminal illness. It's our choice. We can take risks that will help us learn and grow, adding color, texture, and fullness to our lives, or we can chose to tick away our lifetimes staying safe…. and going nowhere at the speed of light!