Maybe

MAYBE… (1997)

We surrender our souls to a belief we are told as children is our truth.
We have no choices because we are ignorant and must trust implicitly.

We grow, and even if our minds begin to strain at the bit that has been forced into our mouths
We most often continue to embrace the same beliefs.

We grow some more...
struggle to see past our blinders...
sense that something is wrong...
try to define this unsettled feeling in the folds of our minds.
And because no new insights are offered we conclude that the problem is in us, not in our belief system.
The believer is wrong... never the belief.
My actions are unacceptable.
My commitment is inadequate.
My understanding is skewed, and I am condemned.

Condemnation breeds failure.
Condemnation gives permission to quit.
Condemnation never enhances faith.

I start again.
At each point I must tear down before building up...
undo before doing...
sweep away the old thoughts before moving on to the new.

At first I push away new ideas by instinct,
so life waits and then recycles the ideas past my mind once again.
This time I look before I push them away…
but I still push them away.
Life waits patiently, and then the recycled ideas pass through a 3rd time... and a 4th time...
and maybe a 5th or 6th or 7th...
depending on the stretch.
But eventually I reach out tentatively to touch them
and to assure myself that they will not bite me,
or explode, or bring down bolts of lightning on my head.
Such a long and tedious fear-laced process for ideas with such love and healing potential.
I'm so tired of fearing and fighting things my mind and heart yearn to embrace.
A God who loves and nurtures instead of judging and condemning.
Spirits who guide us lovingly and help expand our awareness.
A Spirit connection between all living beings.
I want to believe that God is in me and not someplace far away and separate.
I want to believe in angels who ride horses and sing dinosaur songs
while helping to turn my upside-down life right-side-up.

Nothing has bitten me... no explosions...
No lightning in sight.
Maybe it's okay.
Maybe I'm okay...
and "maybe" is a lot more enlightened than "absolutely not."